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[Apr. 24th, 2007|09:49 am] |
Friends only
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2007|09:29 am] |
I want her dress and her body and her hair. She's so lovely. It makes me so determined to succeed.
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2007|03:43 pm] |
my new scales tell me I'm 137.8 lbs.
I've decided I'm going to be under 127 by Monday June 11th.
This gives me 6 weeks to lose at least 10lbs.
So far today I've eaten 2 weetabix with raisins and skimmed milk and a cup of green tea. Later I plan to have 2 strips of mackeral (310), chickpeas, cucumber and tomato.
I walked around town for two hours - I need to start looking out for a may ball dress, I think I'll probably wear the same dress to the wedding in August as the May ball at Cam. I would really like to be back in a size 8 by then. If I work hard at this I will be soon.
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|11:09 pm] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | Everything but the girl | ] |
I feel so low at the moment. I'm so unhappy with how I look it makes me cry sometimes. A couple of nights ago I was lying with my boyfriend in bed and he tried to undress me with the lights on and I literally froze, I just feel so uncomfortable and sick at the thought that he can see my fat ugly body.
I'm going in to town tomorrow and I'm going to buy digital scales and a new diary so I can keep track of everything I eat.
Today I ate 868 cals - NOT happy at all with that.
I'm a failure.
Well I've made myself a list of goals.
It's my boyfriends may ball on June 15th (or 16th??) and I want to have lost at least 10lbs by then - its about 8 weeks away and this time I'm going to do it. Before I was losing and then gaining but I think with a more sensible diet I can do it.
I just need to get out of this hole I feel I'm in - nothing looks good on me and everytime I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I want to break down and cry.
Yesterday my mother said to me 'The amount you eat you should be as thin as a rake' - it made me realise how other people must see me.
I'm so determined this time. And I really want to stop purging because I dont think thats helping my low mood.
Anyway, hope everyones doing ok
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| My return |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|04:13 pm] |
hello! myfanwy is back.
i dont really know why i haven't been here in so long.
did everyone have a good xmas? mine was ok, i was working a lot here so i didn't go home that often. usually i would have been dreading going home in case i couldn't get out of eating what everyone else is. I didn't do too badly in the end.
Next monday I'm going to visit my boyfriend and we're going out a lot to formal dinners, i really want to lose weight before then. Also I have been using a home whitening think on my teeth that have suffered greatly after years of bulimic behaviour.
I have a cold and I cannot stop sneezing. Oh well.
It's so cold in my house - i have my fan heater on but i can't warm up.
Hope everyones ok,
lots of love
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2006|03:36 am] |
It's 3.30am and I can't sleep. I did write a poem though -
It's called the mirror
She opened her eyes and colours came
My grey silver space filled with shapes
So I looked at the colours
And I realised
It’s ok to be afraid
Fear and uncertainty are just as important
Even more so than content and happiness
When she can stand up again I’ll tell her to go out and see
The trees, houses, planes and birds
Even when all she wants to do is sleep
There is so much that remains
Despite everything life belongs to her
I reflect the truth
She’ll realise that someday
Goodnight
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|05:36 pm] |
I haven't even started my essay yet.
I need someone to tell me off for being so tatty.
I'm not allowing myself on livejournal until i've done at least 500 words.
Bye byeeee
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|12:03 pm] |
| [ | feeling |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | Yeah yeah yeahs | ] |
I have another essayto do by tomorow that I haven't yet started. I deserve to fail this year.
Anyway yesterday I didn't post at all because I was at Tom's all day. I went to see Kat in the SU bar the other night and Nay and I walked to Chris and Tom's to see them as I was getting paranoid about things being weird between me and Tom after what happened. Anyway it was really weird at first but then he suggested a walk and we talked about it and decided it's not going to be weird cuz we want to be friends. Happy happy! Anyway we ended up drinking (Noooo!) red wine. Yes, red wine. I thought I hated the stuff. But obviously I don't hate it that much cuz I got pretty drunk again and fell asleep at their house. I woke up when Tom moved me on to the floor where he'd put all the sofa cushions to make it soft and put his spiderman duvet over me.
I woke up the next morning in Tom's arms which was a bit weird but not at the same time. We stayed in 'bed' all day watching anchor man and black adder. I kept dozing off and he tickled me to stay awake.
Anyway, I left his house at 3pm to come back here to start my essay but I had a shower and got on msn for a while where I was chatting to Catherine's ex-boyf about her. Quite weird cuz she doesn't want him to know she's seeing someone else and he thinks he has a chance to get back with her. Then Tom turned up here and we watched scrubs (oh i love that programme!).
So its been busy. I am a abit worried about how close I'm getting with tom but he's so lovely and he knows i have a boyfriend so it's ok i think.
I will sign off now. I haven't written about what I've eaten since I last posted here because it's been awful. tom brought be chocolate yesterday and said i should eat it cuz he knows i love it and doesnt see why i wont let myself eat it. great! now i have a bar of plain chocolate in the fridge. Not sure what to do with it.
lots of love to you all
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2006|07:58 pm] |
| [ | feeling |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | Tracy Chapman | ] |
Oh hell I'm so confused.
I ate an apple at about 3pm and then i went in to town with nay and ened up getting a milkshake. I just ate a ryveta cracker just cuz (i hate that) and now i dont know whether to eat.
I really want to. But then again I dont.
I dont think i deserve it. I think i ate too much during the day.
I'm going to the su bar for Kat's birthday tonight. I'm not going to drink though cuz I have absolutely zero money (i went to the bank today to see if i caould extend my overdraft on my student account but I was rejected). Anyway I really don't feel like going out, Craig will be there and it's so awkward with him after last year - nothing much happened with us but Kat dosen't see it like that and wont let him talk to me. I love her lots and lots but she can be such a posessive bitch at times.
I feel so fat.
laters
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2006|06:33 pm] |
| [ | feeling |
| |  groggy | ] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | Closer - Joshua Radin | ] |
I haven't eaten all day. I love the feeling of not having food in me, I feel lighter even though I know I'm not.
Nay's talking to me online from next door - trying to persuade me to get mcdonalds with her. umm, how about NO? Definately no way.
Does anyone know how many calories are in the skinny blueberry muffins in starbucks? i had one yesterday and its been on my mind all darn day.
I feel so fat. It makes me unhappy.
I have absolutely no reason to be feeling this low.
I wish I knew how to quit this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2006|11:57 pm] |
I have a job in Faith!!!
How exciting - I'm working in a shoe shop! |
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| Tragedy! |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|12:45 pm] |
| [ | feeling |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | Onelinedrawing - Bitte ein kuss | ] |
Did I mention I did 1,500 words and then realised I was answering the question all wrong?
Now I have 6 hours to do my whole assignment.
I'm going to fail.
I want to run away.
-Paris seems quite nice, I'm sure it won't matter if my essay is tatty there because i will stop caring.
OK! Round two begins.
On the plus side I have no appetite.
Really not interested.
I'm tired.
I've had enough of essays. |
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| Done it again |
[Nov. 15th, 2006|09:09 am] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | Girls aloud (eww) | ] |
I have stayed up all night doing work again. Its not due til Thursday but I really wanted to go out dancing tonight.
I feel ok - better than i did last time anyway.
oooh. i need a hug. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|06:28 pm] |
| [ | feeling |
| | good | ] |
I've eaten something!
I ate yogurt and cereal - quite pleased actually.
I can smell everyones food and its making me hungry.
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love to all |
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| I don't know what to do |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|03:30 pm] |
| [ | feeling |
| |  lethargic | ] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | Yo La Tengo - Little eyes | ] |
I haven't eaten anything yet today. I know I should eat something and I want to but I can't bring myself to. I feel bad enough that I'm drinking apple juice.
I have a yogurt in the fridge. It can't do that much harm.
But then I think NO! I've come this far, i should just see how long I can really go.
I'm not sure.
What shall I do?
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|03:33 am] |
I have had nothing to eat all day but a starbucks gingerbread latte.
Oh I don't know. Last night at the pub quiz I got so confused - seeing Graham around the girl he's seeing just makes me so jealous. I don't want him any other times though! I had a chance with him before the summer - he told me he wanted me and I said no.
Why am I like this? its not fair of me to be so selfish.
I saw her today walking towards the uni - she smiled at me and said hi - she's so lovely but i just find myself disliking her because she's taking him away from me.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! what is the matter with me??
Anyway, my tesco food i ordered will be delivered tomorrow - i called them this morning to arrange another delivery. I'm a bit worried about how I'm going to manage not eating for 2 more days - I really hope I can go til Wednesday. I'm so determined. I have my reasons.
There is a guys voice coming from nay's room. i don't know who he is or how long he's been in there. my guess is that the guy is chris. we'll have to see. I just want someone to put their arm around me and laugh with me about all the stupid things that happen.
I'm tired.
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| Why am I so ditzy??? |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|02:11 am] |
What is the matter with me???
I ordered that food from Tesco last night and I typed my address as 235 instead of 253.
My food didn't come.
I just do such stupid things and everyone laughs and says 'Oh Annie, we wouldn't have you any other way' But I really don't want to be the scatty one anymore. When I was younger my mum used to joke about how I'd be wearing my mittens on a string all my life and I think it wouldn't be a bad idea seeing that I lose every pair of gloves/mittens I have.
People are always joking about how I live far away in 'Myfanwy-land' and I'm stuck with my head in the clouds and I'm not paying attention to whats happening around me. It gets so tiring - when I just want to have a normal conversation with people they get bored of me when I don't 'entertain' them by saying random things. It's the way I am - I am a bit day dreamy sometimes but I do have a little bit more depth. I am an intelligent person! I may do silly things sometimes but I really am not a silly person in general. I wish people would realise that.
Anyway, not too bad today - apart from the jack daniels. hmm. I can't remember ever being able to turn that stuff down. I only had a little bit.
again, if anyone ever feels like chatting to this poor, misunderstood creature - anniepritch@hotmail.co.uk - Add me!
love
M
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| a tired, emotional, confused moment |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|02:43 am] |
OK! At this bizarre time I am shopping at tesco online.
crazy.
So far I have:
pineapple and cocnut juice
apple and elderflower juice
pineapple and banana smoothie
diet coke
diet coke with cherry
fine beans
riveta
brown rice
3 tins of soup
coffee
1 pepper
cereal
skimmed milk
yogurt
4 apples
1 avacado
hopefully it will last me a while cuz i hate spending money on food.
I'm still unsure bout this juice fast thing. Think its why I'm getting lots of juice, i'm wondering what the point is of the other food.
Help me! I'm struggling to think right now. I know it's 2.30am and I should probably get some sleep but I know I'll just obses about what to do. It really gets to me, I cant just switch off at the end of the day, I am constantly thinking about food and weight, it's on the brain - same as they say sex is for men.
From the moment I wake up until I go to bed again.
I'm always thinking about what I'm eating/not eaing.
Even when I'm being bad and eating revels or pizza I don't enjoy it cuz of the thoughts that are whizzing around in my head. I know I shouldn't be doing it but in a way I am jealous of the friend I have who is larger (not fat - just larger) and does not give a shit. She eats what she likes - not to the extreme, she eats properly I mean. I've never understood how there are people who can do that and not feel guilty. The days I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner I feel dreadful afterwards and skip a whole days food to make up for it. I know I'm not anorexic, i know i'm not bulimic. I have characteristics of both but i am not either one.
i am confused is what i am. i want to be thin. i want to be thin. i want to be thin.
i always want to be thin, yet i let myself eat crap food. Why do i do it?
anyways, excuse my ramblings, I'm tired and emotional. |
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